


Per Aspera Ad Astra

by YrsAeternum



Series: Mirum Est Paternitas (The Surprise Paternity) [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 3 + 1, Angst with a Happy Ending, Family, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, M/M, Rafael Barba is trying his best, Self-Doubt, and Sonny, bless his heart, even Rita LOL, so is Peyton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:00:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29057847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YrsAeternum/pseuds/YrsAeternum
Summary: Per Aspera Ad Astra: Through The Thornes to The Stars3 times Rafael thought he was doing everything wrong in regards to his partner's five-year-old son, and 1 time it felt like maybe he was doing something right.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Mirum Est Paternitas (The Surprise Paternity) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2093859
Comments: 4
Kudos: 54





	Per Aspera Ad Astra

**Author's Note:**

> just some random authors notes:  
> \- again, you can read this without reading the other two parts of the series but there are some little bits you’d have more context for if you did.  
> \- this takes place around february/march 2018- a few months after peyton came to live with sonny around october 2017. in this little universe, peyton turned five right before he moved in. and sonny and rafael had been together for about a year at that time.  
> \- small trigger warning for vomit mention in the +1, but it’s not graphic!

**1.**  
Objectively, Rafael thought he was managing the whole “partner to the dad of a small child” thing a good degree better than he thought he would the night Sonny had dropped the news on him almost four months ago. It certainly helped matters that Peyton was a relatively easy kid, though that was a thought he regretted letting cross his mind a few nights before, now that he had found himself standing in the subway station by the elementary school he had just picked him up from, Peyton sitting on the ground against the wall, looking at him indignantly. They were supposed to be going back to Rafael’s for the weekend while Sonny’s building underwent maintenance work for a burst pipe, and their train had come and gone ten minutes ago. But Peyton refused to move from his spot against the wall. Rafael had considered just grabbing him and getting on but stopped short when he realized that would torpedo the trust he had taken his time to build with the five-year-old.

“Kiddo,” He started. “We gotta get you back to my place somehow, and it would really help if you talked to me here.” He continued and Peyton crossed his arms, trying futility to back himself further into the wall. Another train roared by and he put his hands over his ears, trying to narrow his eyes at Rafael but unable to stop his bottom lip from quivering.

Rafael looked between him and the train, the wheels in his head starting to churn. Sonny had brought up a month ago that he was concerned Peyton had sensory issues, but trying to get him to a specialist had been hair-pulling-out-maddening, and something that was still probably weeks, or more, out. Rafael gave Peyton a small smile, waiting until the train that pulled in had left again before talking.

“It’s really loud down here, yeah?” He said and Peyton gave him a small nod. “That’s what I thought. Do you think it would make your head feel better if we went upstairs and I got a car to drive us?” 

Peyton seemed to consider that for a moment but only looked down.

“I want daddy.” He said quietly and Rafael resigned himself to the fact that at this point he would probably need Sonny to convince him off the ground, pulling out his phone to call him with a sigh.

“Hey, you get Peyton okay?” His voice said from the other end and Rafael could have cried.

“Uh, not really. He’s freaking out and won’t get on the train and said he wants you- I think the noise is what got him but the floor is disgusting and I don’t want him to get sick-” He started, Sonny cutting his panic-stricken ramble short.

“Raf, it’s okay. Pass the phone to him.” He said and he did, grateful that whatever Sonny was saying seemed to be working in de-escalating things.

After a minute Peyton thrust the phone back at him unceremoniously, not having hung up yet.

“Hey, I said if he went back outside with you I’d meet you guys there and drive you both to your place,” Sonny said when he had the phone back to his ear, Peyton pulling himself up off the ground and leaning against Rafael with his hands still on his ears. Rafael thanked him and hung up, putting an arm around Peyton as he guided him towards the escalators. Sonny was there in a van that definitely belonged to the squad within a few minutes, buckling Peyton in in the back before climbing back into the driver's seat, Rafael slipping silently into the passenger side. For all intents and purposes, things were fine. Peyton seemed to have perked right up, chattering about his day at school and asking for someone to turn on the radio. But Rafael just felt like had failed some sort of test, holding back a sigh when he felt Sonny reach across the console to grab his hand with the one not holding the steering wheel.

 **2.**  
“Can I go play?” Peyton said as they approached the park, practically bouncing with each step. Rafael told him to stay where he could see him and the five-year-old took off, quickly joining into a group of kids he appeared to recognize from school, following them up to the top of the play structure.

Sitting down on a nearby bench, Rafael pulled out the book he had brought with him to read, though he only read a few sentences at a time, looking up what felt like every five seconds to make sure Peyton hadn’t vanished. On what was probably the 20th time he looked up Peyton found his eyes from the top of the slide, grinning and waving at him. Rafael waved back, and flinched when he felt a laugh coming from the fence behind him.

“You left the DA’s office to spend your afternoons at playgrounds? You really have gone soft.” Rita’s voice said from behind him and Rafael rolled his eyes as he looked back at her. Her assertion wasn’t completely off. His decision to leave the DA’s office to be a lecturer at Columbia had been triggered by a number of things, but Sonny and Peyton were close to the top of that list.

“I don’t think you can say earnestly you wouldn’t trade in talking with sadists all day to spend your afternoons sitting in the park.” He quipped back and Rita scoffed. But before she could make a rebuttal, Rafael heard a scream in the familiar pitch of Peyton’s voice, whipping around and going pale when he saw him on the ground next to the steps of the play structure, holding his arm and crying.

He jumped to his feet and nudged past the small crowd of kids that had gathered to stick their noses into whatever was going on, Peyton looking up when he saw him, reaching out to him with his arm that didn’t appear to be injured through tears. Rafael glanced at the other arm and it didn’t _look_ broken, but given that the five-year-old was currently biting his shoulder while he screamed in pain, that didn’t make him any less worried.

“There’s an ER down the street, c’mon,” Rita said from behind him and he picked Peyton up, speeding walking behind Rita out of the park and down the street.

“Can you call Sonny for me?” He said when they got back into a hospital room, that Rita had _maybe_ pulled the lawyer card to get them into that soon instead of resigning them to sitting in the waiting room for god knows how long. She nodded and left, leaving the two of them alone.

Peyton had stopped screaming, but had only replaced that with crying, and wiping his nose on Rafael’s shirt. “It’s okay mijo,” He said softly as he rubbed his back, not having a ton of time to process the word that had just flown out of his mouth before a doctor came in the room. He asked a few questions, Rafael’s answers interrupted by a small voice.

“What’s mijo mean?” Peyton asked quietly, and maybe when the situation wasn’t so dire Rafael would laugh at the fact that that was what took Peyton's mind off the fact that he was in the hospital and in a huge amount of pain.

“Buddy,” He said, pushing away his guilt about the white lie as he continued his conversation with the doctor.

By the time Sonny was able to get there, they were just waiting for the x-ray results to come back, Rafael sitting in the hospital bed with Peyton curled up asleep against his side.

“They gave him a sedative for the x-ray because he was freaking out and wouldn’t stay still. I said I wouldn’t hold him down against his will so that was the only other option,” Rafael said quietly and tried to move slowly so he wouldn’t wake him up as he got up to talk to Sonny. “I turned away for a few seconds, I’m so sorry.” Sonny pulled him into a hug, running a hand up and down his arm as he pulled back and looked over at the five-year-old.

“One, it doesn’t look broken and it’s probably not.” He started, “Two, he’s five. These things happen.” He continued and Rafael gave him a tight-lipped smile as he nodded. Even if Sonny wasn’t upset with him, it didn’t make him any less upset with himself. Looking back at Peyton curled up in the hospital bed he saw himself as a little boy and swallowed, looking away.

 **3.**  
“Um, Rafa?” Peyton said and looked up from his coloring book, his expression contentious. Rafael had picked him up from school and taken him back to his apartment like he did every other Friday, Sonny due to be walking through the door for dinner by the top of the hour. Rafael turned from where he was standing in the kitchen, smiling and saying _’Yeah?’_ softly.

“You said that when you said mijo it meant buddy, but my friend talks Spanish and she said that’s what her mommy calls her brother cause it means son,” Peyton said matter-of-factly, and Rafael froze. He hadn’t used the word since the incident at the hospital a couple of weeks ago and had hoped it would mean Peyton would forget about it- at least for now. Evidently not.

“And you and daddy said grownups aren’t ‘possed to lie but you did, and you said you wouldn’t.” Peyton continued, and Rafael could tell he was about to cry. Before he could figure out how to respond, the door creaked open and Sonny came in. Not having told him about the whole mijo debacle because he didn’t think it would come up again, seeing Sonny’s unknowing face as he walked in made Rafael want the floor to open up and swallow him.

Sonny’s eyes immediately went to Peyton, who was fully crying now- turning to his dad. “Rafa lied to me,” He said and Rafael winced at the look Sonny shot him as the five-year-old took off from the table and into his dad’s arms, Sonny stopping him short of collapsing on his shoulder in an attempt to get an explanation for the outburst. 

“When I fell at the park, he called me mijo and then I asked what it meant and he said buddy-” He started, hiccuping through tears. “But Gabby told me at recess it means son,'' Peyton continued, running his hand through his hair in agitation. 

Rafael felt like he had watched the past three minutes unfold in slow motion. The look Sonny shot him from across the room over Peyton’s shoulder wasn’t _completely_ hardened, but he didn’t look thrilled either. Not that Rafael could blame him.

He forced his feet to move and walked out from behind the counter and across the room, sitting down slowly on the couch next to where Sonny had settled down with Peyton. “I'm so sorry I lied,” He started, Peyton giving him a skeptical look. “When you asked me what it meant I was a little freaked out and focused on what the doctor was trying to tell us, but I should have told you the truth after that.” 

“Gabby said that maybe,” He started between sniffles, wiping his nose with his sleeve “You lied cause you didn’ want me to be your son- just a buddy.”

“Gabby doesn’t know me P, so she couldn’t tell you what I was thinking, right?” Rafael said and glanced at Sonny for reassurance, somewhat relieved to see his face had softened. They hadn’t talked about this- not really. Sometimes a cashier or a kind stranger would refer to Peyton as _their_ son, and neither of them corrected people when it happened. But in hindsight, a conversation with Peyton about it was probably overdue, especially after the incident in the hospital.

“You know Peyton, the other day I was going to Rafa’s work to see him and when I was walking inside I heard someone ask if he had a kid that made the picture you made him on his desk.” Sonny started, running a hand through Peyton’s blonde hair, that almost touched his shoulders now. 

The picture Sonny was talking about was a drawing he had made in art class in school, a field of flowers with Peyton’s interpretation of a unicorn standing in the middle of it. Rafael smiled at the mention of it, taking that as a queue to jump in. “Mhm, and I told him I did, a really awesome five-year-old artist named Peyton.

_”Uh- yeah. His name is Peyton. He’s five, if I let him paint the walls in here he would. He loves art, and he's gotten pretty good at it.” Rafael said, not noticing Sonny standing in the doorway until he finished. His student chuckled and made a quip about his own child, but Rafael just chewed the inside of his cheek, forcing a smile at his partner. When the student walked out Sonny shut the door behind him, taking a few steps across the room to pull Rafael into a soft kiss. When he pulled back Rafael’s fears dissipated, and he considered bringing up that he’d caught himself calling Peyton mijo but bit his tongue with a smile._

_“So that wasn’t uh- unwarranted then?” Rafael said, Sonny shaking his head. “God Raf, hearing you talk about him like that almost made me cry.”_

The memory of the other day brought a smile to his face, but the way Peyton was looking at him right now just broke his heart. He was no longer crying, but looked unsure, and wouldn’t meet Rafael’s eyes. This wasn’t going to be something that was resolved overnight but damnit, he would find a way to make it right. Somehow. 

**+1**  
Rafael was sitting in his office at Columbia when his phone ran and Sonny’s caller ID, a picture that he had taken with him and Peyton on Christmas, flashed across the screen. When he first picked up the only sound on the other end for a moment was heavy breathing, which went on a little too long for comfort before Sonny’s voice came through- his words tumbling out of him.

“Hey, Peyton’s school just called and said I needed to pick him up because he got sick and I’m stuck at SVU, can you grab him and take him back to my apartment? Liv can send Lucy if you’re busy,” He said, almost sounding a little choked up. 

“I got him- so take a breath and try not to worry too much, okay?” Rafael hearing some commotion in the back before Sonny said he had to go, his voice tight. He was worried about his partner, having watched him seem to dread going to work more and more the past few months. But that was a conversation for another time, and he tried to shelf the issue in his mind as he saved the changes on the article he was proofreading before getting up to leave. 

Peyton looked absolutely miserable, curled up on a cot that looked past its best in the corner of the small nurse's office, his small frame looking weaker than Rafael had remembered it looking when he saw him over the weekend.

“Hey, I’m sorry you don’t feel good,” He said as he crouched down in front of him, the five-year-old only looking at him tiredly. Slinging Peyton’s backpack over his shoulder, Rafael helped him up gently, grabbing a wet wipe from the nurses' station to wipe the sweat off his face.

“Daddy’s at work but I’m gonna take you home and he’ll meet us there when he can, okay?” He said and Peyton nodded before leaning his forehead against Rafael’s leg, Rafael giving a curt thank you to the front office staff before starting back to Sonny’s apartment.

Peyton walked a little slower as they approached the building, huffing. “Hurts,” He said shortly, and before Rafael could fully process what was probably going to happen next he was throwing up on the sidewalk, some of it getting onto his work shoes.

Rafael grimaced but focused more on rushing him over to a nearby trash can, holding his hair away from his face. Peyton was done being sick after a minute, pulling back and looking at Rafael through wet eyes, his bottom lip wobbling as he looked between his face and his shoes. Slipping the shoes off casually and kicking them towards the curb, Rafael crouched down onto his level.

“I didn’ mean to.” Peyton said under his breath, Rafael taking his hands into his own.

“I know bud, I’m not mad. How about we go inside and get some medicine to make you feel a little better?” He said, and the five-year-old didn’t let go of his hand as they walked inside.

Peyton was probably lethargic enough to fall asleep standing up, Rafael surprised he stayed awake long enough to change clothes and eat a couple of Ritz crackers with the kids stomach medicine that Sonny had texted him he kept in the bathroom. 

“Do you want to take a nap here or in your bed?” Rafael said as he finished sending another update text to Sonny, Peyton not moving his eyes from the cartoons he had flicked onto the TV.

“Racecar bed, but my legs are sleepy.” He said quietly and Rafael picked him up to get him down the hallway to his room, getting him situated in his own bed. He whined when Rafael went to leave though, his voice shaky.

“Please don’ go.” He mumbled and Rafael walked back, kicking the beanbag in the corner room over next to his bed to use as a pillow. He lowered himself to the ground, his heart jumping into his throat when he felt Peyton’s small hand reaching out for him as he tried to find a comfortable position to sleep in.

A few hours passed before Rafael heard the front door open, and let go of Peyton’s hand to leave the room as quietly as he possibly could. “Hey, he crashed almost as soon as we got back.” He said quietly as he met Sonny by the door, his partner pulling him in for a hug. He lingered a little longer than he usually did, pressing a kiss to the side of his head.

“Were those your shoes outside?” Sonny asked as he pulled back and sank down into the couch, Rafael laughing. He turned when he saw Sonny focus on something behind him, Peyton standing in the hallway, rubbing his eyes.

“Daddy?” He said and Sonny held his arms open, Peyton meandering into them slowly, leaning into him with a small sigh.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come get you from school,” Sonny said and rubbed his back, lifting him up gently onto the couch in his lap.

He turned to rest his head on his shoulder, looking over at Rafael next to them. “Rafa made me feel better,” Peyton started quietly, Rafael smiling as he reached forward to swipe away the hair that was falling into his eyes. 

“And I think he should live with us so he doesn’t have to leave and he can just be here all of the time.” He continued, quieter and averting his gaze sheepishly. Rafael looked at Sonny and was relieved when he was met with a smile. They’d talked briefly in bed about this not too long ago, Sonny expressing that while he really wanted to, he was worried about making such a big change when Peyton had already been through so many in such a short time.

“We’ll see what we can do about that,” Sonny said and Rafael echoed his sentiment, Peyton grinning. He reached the arm that wasn’t around Sonny out to wrap it around Rafael's neck and pull him closer, not complaining that it resulted in him being a little squished between the two adults. And no matter how much Rafael still doubted himself and worried about the future, being tugged into an enthusiastic family hug made him feel like maybe he had good reason to believe he wasn't doing as horribly at this whole gig as he thought he was.

**Author's Note:**

> *inhale*
> 
> *exhale* ILOVETHISLITTLEFAMILYSOMUCH
> 
> it's true, i love these punks! if there are any specific prompts or anything y'all have for this little universe feel free to throw 'em at me here or on twitter!


End file.
